Review Scraplets

Watched Dracula Untold and it is pretty much the worst movie I have ever seen because I haven’t watched 2000 BC or Thor or Prince of Persia and I never really watched The Avengers through. I’ve never even really watched Iron Man properly until recently and it’s just better because it doesn’t have gaping plot holes (visible to me) and because it was driven by eccentric,lovable, and awesome instead of dull, and dark, and not scary.

Alright, Dracula Untold is not worse than 2011’s Red Riding Hood or 2009’s Jennifer’s Body. Although actually Megan Fox’s Jennifer was hella more scary than Charles Dance’s Master Vampire so score 1 point to the girl’s team. Yay.

Watching movies like Dracula Untold you’re reminded that although you may have an appetite for commercial flicks (MOAR, MOAR, MOAR!) you’re still always reminded of how silly they are every time you watch them. Just watch a popular action movie- all the stills from the movie, each shot chosen, all the dialogue assignment, is guided by a stupid little boy’s point of view. Pepper Potts’ legs have probably as much screen time as her face and possibly greater significance, every time they come gliding down Tony Stark’s staircase into the basement workshop. Also, although she’s smart enough to go looking for “ghost files” (what de hell? um is that just a “hidden file”, eh whatever) she doesn’t get to recognise an explosive device, and while everyone else in the scene gets to be smart, on the ball, and impassive, she needs to girlishly scrunch up her face and awkwardly flap around. It seems we have to choose between being Katniss and being a slight retard. My beef is this:could not an established Hollywood star wangle a better role?  Was not the august galaxy of talent that created The Ironman series capable of envisioning a consistently smart female role?

Similarly, in Dracula Untold , Mirena’s great moment of definite action comes when she has a curious desire to have her life sucked out right in the end, “Oh go on, I’m dying anyway.” “Well if you really don’t mind…gaaaaaah!!!!!!!”

Well it’s all to the good –  for the furtherance of masculine life anyway. It cheers me up to remember here that other internet squawkers noticed this plot hole and wonder why she couldn’t just drink Vlad’s blood and get cured. Most of the time she hovers around, angelic expression never giving way to anything except helpless wide eyed gaping or righteous indignation on behalf of her son, and husband. The movies are sometimes quite a dull place to be.

Watch Dracula Untold if you want a scary movie that isn’t scareifying.

Oh yeah, and amuse yourself with Tony Stark’s awesomeness anytime you like.


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